Sometimes I feel my feelings so hard it makes me want to stir up prolific thoughts and document it with hopes of channeling poetic grace and charm.
I’m inspired by the feeling of falling in love with a city for the first time. I understand why people feel so compelled to leave a life they once knew for promise in a place they don't know yet.
I feel this way about people.
I fall in love and want to live inside of them - discovering their minds and nuances like riding a metro system through unfamiliar streets. I want to soak up my surroundings and take mental pictures - documenting the very feelings and imagery that strikes me.
There's a buzzing feeling I get when I’m “falling”- it's tingling throughout my limbs now as I type this. The more I discover the person my soul has been longing to be, the more alive I feel, but still, I find myself searching for my home.
It's hard not to project that intense energy on others.
A simple attraction is like a wormhole into a romantic fantasy. I have attachments. I fantasize, I cling, I struggle to let go of the people and places that live within my story.
Regardless of how far I sometimes feel from home, these are my pillars of refuge.
It is in these people and these places that I hide away.
I find myself searching for sanctuary through familiarity, security, stability, but also through fear and guilt. I often punish myself or wallow in a dark consciousness while repeating toxic patterns.
Now I have arrived at a place where things mean less to me.
What was once programmed as my reference guides were merely illusions holding me back from creating my own destiny.
I had been conditioned to function one way without seeing beyond the abundance that's in store for me. I've started to understand that there are countless opportunities that provide me with all the inspiration and motivation I need to live as the me I’ve been longing to be.
Ruth Camillia is a bilingual and bi-cultural writer, artist, activist, educator, learner, akashic records practitioner, and reiki master living on Tongva and Acjachemen land in so-called Santa Ana, CA. For more of her content, follow her on Instagram (@ruth_camillia).
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