“You cry so much. You cry so much I worry you will turn into the ocean.”
My aunt's words rung in my ears as I stared at her with tears still sliding down my face. I recall being a child and constantly crying. Tears so big they created little pools on my hands as I had my head down.
My parents would make me suck the tears back into my little body as a child. But I couldn’t help it. Crying felt so natural.
The older I became and the more people teased me about the tears that would fall out of my eyes, the more I hated myself for the tears that would gather in my brown eyes.
I would bite my lip as I felt tears gather in my eyes and I would tell myself to stop the meaningless pools of water gathering in my eyes.
I was 18 when the tears wouldn’t stop. I left my home. The beautiful mountains of Breckenridge, Colorado and I traded them for Pikes Peak.
I left my family. My mom, my dad, sister, and dog. I left everything that felt familiar and
safe. And when I did the tears wouldn’t stop. I looked at the tears fall down my face in the mirror and I yelled “Stop! Stop crying! Stop crying!”
I was 22 when I looked at a picture of little me at the age of 2 crying with a chip in my hand.
And I smiled.
I have come to learn how my tears have healed parts of me that needed to be healed. How my tears have shown people I care for them.
My tears, salty drops of water that spilled as I carried words of hope and liberation into the spaces I would enter.
My tears heal me, they embrace others, they tell a story that my words sometimes cannot.
I have come to love the tears that pour out of my loving soul and have come to see a change that is needed not just in me but in the world.
If my tears transform me into the ocean, then I hope to be the most beautiful, strong, fearless, magical ocean.
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