i don't know if it was worth it by heidi anne rogers

Lately I’ve lingered longer

beneath the covers

Avoiding the face time

I’m sure to have with the mirror

And even if I elude its gaze

The clothes that use to adhere to my body

Now only serve as a reminder

That my body has expanded—widened—-thickened—-broadened

I thought I finally found the balance

Between my disordered mind and my body

I danced, I cried, I called for wine and good conversation

But my body failed

What a fool I was for thinking

there wouldn’t be a price

for trying to end my own addiction

My body can’t account for the history of a disordered mind

The choice to stop counting calories

Didn’t mean my body could suddenly eat

In my mindless joy—-my body began to latch onto every calorie, just like how I cling to the covers in the morning

Blankets of fat attach and adhere to my skin.

It’s a form of punishment

I tell myself

How dare I feed a starving body?

- I don’t know if it was worth it

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