i don't know if it was worth it by heidi anne rogers
Updated: Sep 2, 2021
Lately I’ve lingered longer
beneath the covers
Avoiding the face time
I’m sure to have with the mirror
And even if I elude its gaze
The clothes that use to adhere to my body
Now only serve as a reminder
That my body has expanded—widened—-thickened—-broadened
I thought I finally found the balance
Between my disordered mind and my body
I danced, I cried, I called for wine and good conversation
But my body failed
What a fool I was for thinking
there wouldn’t be a price
for trying to end my own addiction
My body can’t account for the history of a disordered mind
The choice to stop counting calories
Didn’t mean my body could suddenly eat
In my mindless joy—-my body began to latch onto every calorie, just like how I cling to the covers in the morning
Blankets of fat attach and adhere to my skin.
It’s a form of punishment
I tell myself
How dare I feed a starving body?
- I don’t know if it was worth it

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